Final Confessions
by Angel of Music lover
Summary: Written for a challenge. Zidler finally comes to grips with Satines death... but how will he chose to deal with it? Rather dark.. and with a guest appearance by Christian. Rated T mainly for dark thoughts... I guess.


September 4, 1906

_I can't believe it… she died seven years ago and this is the first time I've even talked about it. I always had to be strong for the girls at the club… it goes without saying that they were terrified after Satine died. They all thought it could happen to them… and it did for some. But I had to hide my pain because Harold Zidler could not portray emotion or attachment to his girls. Not even the Sparkling Diamond. Especially not the Sparkling Diamond. But you see… I was very attached to the beautiful courtesan. I practically raised her. _

_You see… her parents died and I found her wandering the streets. It was before I had officially taken over the Moulin Rouge and I felt my still soft heart go out to the girl dressed in rags. It wasn't until after I had taken her in that I realized how strikingly beautiful she would become. I knew that she would be wonderful… and the first thoughts of greed struck my heart when I thought about how much money wealthy old men would pay to spend a night with her. I never even began to imagine what would later happen to the little girl that I had come to think of as a daughter. _

Zidler paused in his writings to reflect for a moment. He could remember how that little girl used to laugh… a beautiful tinkling sound that not only came from her mouth but also showed in her clear blue eyes. Who would have thought that those eyes that had always seemed to be so warm and inviting would glaze over to resemble cold ice. Zidler ran a hand over his face… filled with regret and sorrow. This was his last day at the Moulin Rouge, he sold it off to some sort of other hopeful and Zidler wanted to wrap up everything here. He needed to move on past the glitter of lights and smoke of show business. With a heavy sigh, the weary and worn old man turned back to his paper… his confession.

_I helped her learn the ways of a courtesan and threw the innocent girl farther and farther into the flames of the underworld. There were times when I thought she looked hesitant or afraid… but then she would look at me with trust and follow me blindly. It was too late to turn back. I even changed her name to complete her transformation from the world of light. I don't even remember what her original identity was… I don't think she does either. Did… I meant did. Satine… a beautiful and alluring name for a girl with similar charm and beauty. _

_She had to grow up so fast. If I could change anything it would be to take that little girl to an orphanage or something… just anywhere but the Moulin Rouge. _

_Oh my poor little sparrow… my fragile little butterfly that never got to spread her wings. I dangled her dreams in front of her… a promise to become an actress… a light at the end of this endless dark tunnel. They were all lies… I had no producer friend that was interested in hiring a can-can dancer as an actress. There was no hope of her getting away from the Moulin Rouge. They were just little fantasies I cooked up to help her get through the night. I was always excellent at lying… even to those I loved the most. _

Once more Zidler had to stop writing so he could get control of himself. He had swore he wouldn't cry while doing this… it was supposed to be a happy remembrance of Satine. Zidler took a deep breath and pressed his large hands against his tearing eyes. Zidler no longer had that boyish gleam in his eyes nor did he enjoy in the shows the Moulin Rouge put on. His face was always pallid and drawn and his once vibrant and rather wild hair was dull and unhealthy. One would say that the one death of a star ruined one Harold Zidler. And you would be right. Finally Zidler gathered himself and began to write once more.

_Ah… I suppose it is not very healthy to dwell in the past so much. But I do… and I can't seem to stop myself. I remember what I had to tell her when she was growing up so that she would become a famous courtesan. Oh I had to tell her such atrocities that no woman ever deserves to hear. Especially one as spectacular as Satine. That was why I was so afraid when she met Christian. I could see years and years of work being undone just with that first kiss they shared. Satine was beginning to see through my lies through the eyes of the young writer. _

_I should have put an end to it. I should have known that Satine would never really turn the boy away. I saw all the signs but it took me to see them together on accident to really understand what was going on. She was slipping away from the hold I'd had on her for her entire life and I couldn't have that. I didn't want that… it couldn't happen. And still I tried to tell myself that Satine knew what she was doing and that if she got in too deep with the boy she would pull out. Plain and simple. _

_We humans are terribly shallow. We only can see what is easiest for us to see, and for me it was that Satine had no feelings for the boy. For the Duke it was that Satine was in love with him and only him. Even Christian couldn't see how sick Satine was… because that ruined his happily ever after. Satine was the only one with clear sight there in the end. _

_The end… what a terrible end it was… oh god how awful it was. At least she was happy for a moment… but the rest of it was hell. It killed me to see her fighting back tears… to see her wheezing and struggling to sing on the stage. And yet I smiled when she picked herself back up… I smiled because it saved my own skin. I smiled because everything was back on track… everything was where it was supposed to be. I am filled with such shame with that singular smile. _

Zidler was now shaking, trying to control the tears but it was too late. They were already falling as one of the biggest demons of the underworld cried. He cried and tears were tangled in his wild mustache and his eyes were red and bloodshot. Zidler cried even though splotches of water were now falling and dripping onto his neatly written confession.

_God I've been holding it in for so long… so long I've held back the tears. So long I've pushed the pain away thinking that it would just go away entirely. But was wrong… I was wrong. _

_I can still hear those terrible words that she uttered at me… that look of pain and hurt will never be erased from my mind. _

"All my life you've told me I was only worth what someone would pay for me!"

_Those terrible words that echo in my mind… she saw past my lies and what I thought was for the best really was for the worst. I had betrayed her… I had tricked and schemed until our relationship was rendered useless. I took an innocent girl… a little sparrow and wrenched and twisted at it until it was something else entirely. I crushed the butterfly's wings with my bare hands. I wish that I could just be a million miles away right now instead of living in this unending misery! I killed her! I killed my darling Satine… my little sparrow! _

_And what's worse… sometimes if I pass by the apartments I can still remember the cries and screams that came from them. From the boy Christian's room. I can also remember the sound of furious tapping of his typewriter as he wrote their story. And I curse myself… I curse my very being because I brought such pain into two beautiful souls. _

"But he loves me. He _loves _me!"

_If only she knew that I also loved her… she looked at me with such hate then. She looked at me through a wounded animal's eyes and I knew that I had lost her entirely. She would never come to me with trust in her eyes and in her soul. She would only look at me with hatred and pain. I forced her to do things that she did not want to do… it wasn't I that convinced her to tell Christian to leave. She was thinking of him and not what I wanted her to do. And that killed me… it killed me. _

Zidler couldn't bring himself to write anymore… he couldn't hold the pen straight anyways and he didn't even know if those last few paragraphs made it onto the actual paper. All he knew was that he deserved to go straight to hell for what he did to Satine. Finally the tears slowed and he was left to merely gasp for air. And he hated it even more that he could breath without a terrible disease eating away at his lungs. Zidler wiped his eyes and looked down at the page that was now terribly splotched and hastily written. He took his now steady hand and once more pressed the pen lightly against it.

_And I just hope that she can forgive me… for all of my sins against her. I never want to come back to this wretched place again so if that will help… I'm glad. I thought everything I did was for the best… turns out that even the clever liar gets the rug pulled out from under him sometimes. _

_Satine… this is for you and for Christian. _

_**The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return. **_

Zidler smiled down at his work… his soul. He patted it lovingly… admiring it for a moment. All of his memories of Satine were poured into several pages… all of his guilt and sorrow finally released. With a small smile Zidler took a deep breath… inhaling the scent of the past and what used to be. It was a bittersweet smell... and Zidler found that it was smelling a little more sweet than bitter. Was that a hint of roses he smelt? No… it couldn't be… none of the dancers besides Satine wore the rose scent. None of the other girls had dared, some because they thought it would curse them and other because they did not want to spoil the memory of Satine.

Zidler smiled to himself and began to slowly shred the paper he had just written. It could never really be released while it was still on paper… it needed to really be free. Zidler then gathered up all the pieces and left his office with a bit more spring in his step. Once outside Zidler was happy to find a strong breeze caressing his face lovingly. All he had to do was open his hand from the fist it had been clenched in and the papers floated merrily away.

A young man spotted Zidler and froze temporarily. The man's dark eyes narrowed slightly, taking in the slightly disheveled older man before him. It couldn't possibly be the same Harold Zidler could it? He looked so much… older. Christian glanced down at a puddle before his feet and looked at himself. He supposed that he looked older too. When Christian looked back up he saw that Zidler was looking straight at him with a knowing expression. Christian gave a small smile… just a small one… and Zidler returned it. No words were needed for this interaction… somehow the two men realized they understood each other and there was nothing more to it. Zidler picked up his baggage and began to head down the road once again. Christian watched the man slowly retreat but started when he felt something against his leg.

Christian leaned down and picked up a three small pieces of parchment that had floated against him. He slowly read them and felt a smile form on his lips. He once again lifted his head back to watch a wild red haired man move on from his old life and move closer to a new one. But one thing that both hurting men knew was that the Moulin Rouge would never leave them… not in a million years.

**A/N: So this was written for a challenge… if you are interested go to the Moulin Rouge forum and find a fic labeled challenge… the fic has to include the words, butterfly, ice, and million. Look at topic for more information:D Also review and tell me what you thought… **


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